As a new feature ot the Yardsticks blog this year, I’ll be highlighting the developmental journeys of the same two young children once each month. My goal is to share some true-life examples of children’s passages through a single school year within the context of the developmental expectations you can read about in my book Yardsticks and other books on child development.
For parents, grandparents, and teachers. If you’re a parent or grandparent, I hope these monthly journal entries might inspire you to keep your own diaries or journals about your children or grandchildren’s growth and development.
If you’re a teacher, I hope you’ll be inspired to keep classroom observational records. These records can be so valuable over time in helping you understand how children change and grow. Observing and journaling can also help you see how you can adjust academic expectations to support each child’s healthy development.
Meet my grandchildren! Now that I’ve told you why I’ll be sharing my journal entries, it’s my pleasure to introduce you to my two grandchildren, Lily and Isaiah. They, along with their parents, have graciously given their permission for me to share their stories with you over the course of the next twelve months, from the beginning of this school year to the beginning of the next. Of course, as with any adoring grandparent, there is a wee bit of subjectivity and, one might say, lack of scientific objectivity, in observing the behavior and listening to the words of one’s own beloved grandchildren; but, hey, that didn’t stop Piaget, did it? (Just kidding!)
Lily. Lily is turning four and entering preschool for the first time this September. She leads a life full of imaginative play from the stage to the castle, from housekeeping to check writing. She enjoys being read to, painting, drawing, doing projects of various sorts, cooking, and especially doing any of these things with her mom. This summer Lily learned to hold her breath and swim with her face in the water and loved swimming every day if she could.
Isaiah. Isaiah is nine years old. Well, to be precise, he is nine years and three months old as he enters fourth grade this year in his local, rural, K-6 elementary school, school, where he is in a combined grade 3-4 classroom of sixteen students. Isaiah is an active, energetic boy who likes nature and the out-of-doors, swimming in the summer and skiing in the winter. Video games and reading have captured his imagination and fascination, especially where weapons, bravery,
challenges, and quests are involved.
About the family. Lily and Isaiah are bi-racial. Their dad is white and their mom is African American. They are proud of their racial and cultural heritage and also of the fact that their mom was adopted. Lily and Isaiah’s Nana and Papa live with them in an extended family household in the rural New England countryside.
Let’s share stories. I hope we’ll see an increase in chatter on the blog as you send me comments and questions about your own children and grandchildren at home and in school. Happy journaling!
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Dear Seaandra – You are very articulate about your son’s struggle. Here are some thoughts and questions. First, nine is a tough age, as my comments about my grandson, Isaiah, in my recent blog indicate. I see him struggling with friendships mightily, feeling on the outside alot, and being very sensitive, almost mercurial, very up and down about friendship ins and outs. There is something about this age for boys (girls too, but that’s another story). My biggest question is do these boys go to school together? Since Nevin is new to the neighborhood, how is he adjusting to his new school? Often the “pecking order” being played out in the neighborhood can relate to what’s going on in school. Or if he doesn’t go to the same school as the boys, that is a whole other issue that can put him more on the outs. So, while you say this is not so much a school issue, we might explore this question first. there might be help from a school counselor or other third party there. Chip
Dear Chip,
Hello and I want to thank you in advance for taking the time to read my email. I have been searching the web to see if there is help in this area, when I stumbled on your website. My problem is not so much at school, but in the neighborhood. My son is soon to be 9, and he has 4 main friends that are neighbors. I baby sit 2 of them regularly, so they are here most every day, brother (Austin, 9) and sister (Ashley, 12). My son’s (Nevin’s) 2 other main friends he plays with are Alex (9) and Chris (12, but is a little slower for his age and is more at the level of say a 9 or 10 year old)
To try and get more to the point, Nevin was coming home crying, saying his friends aren’t playing with him, they are calling him names, and leaving him behind on purpose. I watched from the house a few times and witnessed this behavior. The oldest boy, Chris, seems to be one of the biggest problems, and after he used some inappropriate language and very rude behavior in my house, I told Nevin simply not to play with him anymore. (this was only a couple days ago)
The biggest problem now seems to be the other two, Austin and Alex. They want to come over and play Nevin’s video games, or play with our 2 dogs, but as soon as they all get outside, the ditch Nevin, or call him stupid, etc. He is constantly excluded when he tries to play at another child’s house, they always say “okay, one person has to go home, Nevin, you leave!” he will be gone from our house for about 10 minutes, and he comes back sometimes in tears because this is a constant problem. It always seems to be fine if its Nevin and one other, but as soon as the two get together, they “gang up” on him.
I have spoken with parents, and we even all sat down with the boys and had a “meeting” about how they were all friends and it wasn’t fair for them to gang up on one person. Things seemed to be okay for a few days, and now its back to the same problem, only now, they tell Nevin “everyone hates you because you’re a snitch.”
I don’t know how to intervene here. I feel trapped. I don’t want to tell Nevin not to play with any of them, because then he only has the one 12-year-old girl to play with, and well, lets face it, what pre-teen girl do you know that wants to always hang out with an 8 year old boy? Nevin is the newest kid in the neighborhood, and therefore Alex or Austin already know the rest and run Nevin off when he tries to play with others, leaving him alone. I don’t want to be over-protective and keep talking to the kids or parents, because I don’t want to cause Nevin even more problems. Plus, I don’t want other parents thinking that I am out to ‘get their kids,’ because I really like both of the boys and I think they are overall great kids. Is there anything that I can do, or advice that I can give Nevin? He is very sensitive with his feelings, and he always wants to do the right thing (which is why he gets named the snitch, he’s the first to speak up and say ‘we shouldn’t be doing this’)
Of course my son is far from perfect, I’m not saying that he’s completely innocent, because he has picked back at the other boys, but I honestly feel its in self defense, as I have witnessed a lot of it myself). But I really just don’t know what is the best thing for me to do right now, and I hate seeing him come home day after day, sometimes in tears because they all want to be his friend when they come to his house and play with his things, then as soon as they all go out the door, they start teasing him and they leave him behind and make him go home, its just not right!
Sincere Thanks,
Seaandra
Concerned Mom
Hi, Michele – and thanks for the encouragement and grandparent connection. It’s so true we are given new eyes and ears as grandparents even if they don’t go along with new legs! Noticing the simple beauty of growth and development is a simple gift isn’t it! Isaiah reads my response to you over my shoulder and smiles – generations in dialogue in cyberspace. Who knew! Chip
Greetings Chip, What a great way to share Yardsticks with the world – through the mouths and antics and joys of your grandchildren. I just became a grandmother and am so very delighted. Emma Grace is only 2 months old and has a few years before she’ll enter the Yardsticks domain, but it is so much fun to watch her grow. I can watch her in a way I couldn’t, or didn’t, with my own children, and watching my son as dad is a glorious thing indeed! I look forward to the year’s journey with Lily and Isaiah and will keep you posted with Emma Grace, too. At the moment she loves bathing, standing up, watching everything around her, and smiling, which of course melts our hearts every time! And she just found her thumb which has provided her with great satisfaction.