There is much agreement in developmental research that children display empathy toward others as early as the second year of life, sometimes slightly earlier.

This appears to be a shared human quality across cultures that has both genetic and socially constructed aspects. While boys and girls both show emotion or cognitive understanding of another’s distress, it is girls who tend to respond to the distress with caring behavior or sympathy toward another in distress.

How is it then that we see so many children not displaying caring behavior toward each other in school or in the neighborhood, but rather showing aggressive, acting-out or bullying behavior? We know some children who experience trauma or abuse in their home environments become withdrawn or lash out to protect themselves. In a sense they may become so self-protective that they can no longer see that others have feelings too, and may not care.

School environments are wonderful places to help children who are frightened and self-protective to gradually develop trust in adults and other children in the classroom. For this to happen, empathy must be modeled by the teacher toward the affected child and all children in the room. The language of the teacher is so important here, almost as if she must learn and teach a foreign language with deliberate intentionality:

“Sam, I noticed that you helped Jose with his Math when he was upset. That showed you cared.”

“Marisol, you invited Kelly to jump rope for the first time. I saw a big smile on her face. You knew she needed help, didn’t you!”

Teachers should begin by making comments like this individually to children, rather than in front of the whole class. Gradually, in class meetings or small circle groups she can ask children what they notice about kindness and caring.

At our school, we give Courage “Happy Mail” that goes home each week for parents to see and hang on the refrigerator, specifically noting what the child did that was kind, caring and courageous.

Learning to care, for some children, is just as challenging as learning to read. For all it is just as important.

Have a classroom or home situation where caring is not happening? Feel free to write.