As children return to school this September it is interesting to pay attention to their friendship patterns.

In the normative developmental ebb and flow of social and emotional growth there are ages when children typically are more comfortable with one best friend for periods of time and other ages when children particularly appreciate larger groups more of the time. Of course, a child’s personality will also contribute to these patterns, with shy children being somewhat more comfortable with one friend most of the time and more outgoing children being more comfortable in larger groups.

A teacher knows to assess the “birthday” cluster in their classroom at the beginning of the school year to get an idea of the age in years and months where most of her children fall, so she can track developmental changes during the year (see blog entry The Birthday Cluster). She can then apply this information to such traits as friendship patterns.

For instance, children who enter Kindergarten and are still four year olds tend not to be as focused with best friend issues as children will be who are fully five in Kindergarten. Five year olds often have a singular focus about what they are doing in school and transitions are not always easy. Four year olds, on the other hand, move easily between one thing and another, including friends, as they explore this social arena. At 5 and ½ children can be oppositional and upset if someone will not be their best friend. (Remember your two and ½ year old!)

At 6 in first grade, children love groups and work wonderfully at tables or desks grouped together. They love to help each other. At seven, however, the height of BEST friends, there may be many hurt feelings and rapidly changing friendship patterns.

Children work well in pairs in second grade.

In third grade group work returns as a successful arrangement. Children enjoy working alone and in groups at this age.

In fourth grade, children are worried about who is, will be and isn’t anymore their best friend. This is typical of the anxiety often displayed at nine. Children are very comparing of their work and social constellations at this age.

At ten in 5th grade, children love the social togetherness of being a group with an identity, whether that be a whole class, club or team.

At eleven in the 5th or 6th grade there is a return to more solo friendships, at 12 a mixture of solo friendships and group cliques, at 13 often a single friend and periods of felt isolation, and at 14 a return to high energy for academic, sport, and artistic teams.

Best friends? It depends!